Discipline Toolkit, Part 2 of 3

Last week I wrote about the difference between punishment and consequences as it relates to disciplining your child. Punishment is primarily about retribution, whereas consequences are about rational outcomes. This week, I will explain three different types of consequences of which you should be aware and keep ready in your "discipline toolkit": logical, applied, and natural.

A logical consequence is a sentence that fits the crime. For instance, a youth leaves the TV room a mess, so he has to clean it up. A teen breaks curfew, so she does not get to go out the following weekend. See how the consequence flows rationally from the misbehavior?

An applied consequence is a practical sentence that doesn't quite fit the crime. Let's face it, teens can be pretty creative sometimes and it is not always apparent what a logical consequence might be for certain transgressions. So a parent finds a functional substitute. A young person skips school, so he loses internet privileges for the week.

A natural consequence is just what it sounds like: let nature take its course. A young person is rude to his classmates, so they exclude him. A youth leaves her bicycle unlocked and it gets stolen. This may be the hardest consequence for a parent, too. Often our biggest temptation is to jump in and save things for our children, like to immediately buy the child a new bicycle. But when we do that we are short-circuiting the learning one gets from experience, which may be the best teacher of all.

These three consequences, when used consistently by parents, help teens understand how the world works. They learn that there are results to their choices, and that better choices will lead to better results. This fosters self-discipline.

Next week, in part three, I will explain how consequences can take the pressure of you as a parent in the disciplining process.

Ian Eastman, M.A., is a community educator with Family Services of Warren County—a charitable agency that provides counseling, substance abuse services, and support groups. This article originally appeared in the March 12, 2010 edition of The Times Observer in Warren, Pennsylvania.

Kilnfolk Komputer Kwoteables for 3-7-10

It is exciting to be part of a new youth ministry. Two websites that I find particularly helpful in this stage in the journey are The Institute for Youth Ministry at Princeton Theological Seminary and Fuller Youth Institute. Both offer theological reflections on youth ministry. Check them out and find podcasts, research, journals, and curriculum. Thought provoking stuff--and free!

(At the Princeton site, be sure and check out their Certificate in Youth and Theology. My dream someday is to complete this program and get my volunteers to the annual Pathways event.)

Discipline Toolkit, Part 1 of 3

There is an old expression that goes, "if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." I suspect that whoever coined it had a pretty good understanding of people, such as how we often fall into particular patterns in the way we deal with problems, even when other options exist. Nowhere is this more apparent perhaps than in the way we discipline children.

There are "hammer people" who look at punishment as the only tool in their discipline toolkit. Their philosophy is to come down hard on a young person. If that doesn't work, they come down harder. Frankly, it is a terrible tool because it has more to do with parent anger and is inconsistently meted out because it is based on an emotional response. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines punishment as: "suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution" and "severe, rough, or disastrous treatment." Now does this sound like any way to discipline a youth?

By contrast, there are parents who use consequences as one of many tools in their disciple toolkit. Their philosophy is to redirect the youth and foster self-discipline. Consequences are wonderful tools because they are based on the youth's behavior and are consistently applied. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines consequences as: "a conclusion derived through logic" and "something produced by a cause or necessarily following from a set of conditions." Sounds like a much better approach to discipline, right?

Next week, in part two, I will explain different three different types of consequences and how they help instill self-discipline in your teenager.

Ian Eastman, M.A., is a community educator with Family Services of Warren County—a charitable agency that provides counseling, substance abuse services, and support groups. This article originally appeared in the March 5, 2010 edition of The Times Observer in Warren, PA.

SLYM News 3-2-10

Beat cabin fever this week at High School SLYM! You can tear it up in the full court gym, or kick back in the cafeteria for some board game and some laughs. We'll wrap up the evening with some praise music and a talk on the spiritual life. Come to SLYM this Thursday night (3/4) at 6:30 pm--and give cabin fever the boot! The G.A. Learning Center is located at 200 Gustavus Ave. at Lutheran Social Services.

A big thank you to everyone who came out for the Help Haiti event last Friday! The folks at Community Helping Hands are very grateful for your service, and I hope you learned a lot during the poverty simulation at Joint Neighborhood Project. Plus, 100% of your sponsorships will be used for ELCA Disaster Relief efforts in Haiti. Good job everyone!

Please join our new Facebook Fanpage (if you haven't already) and be sure and invite as many of your Facebook friends to join, too! We're working hard to make it the go-to place on the web for all the good things we have planned for youth group!

Peace, IAN

Really listen

Last week I reviewed Jim Hancock's How to Volunteer Like a Pro. I wanted to include this poem from his book, but didn't have the space. I think it has a lot to say to parents, volunteers, and anyone who works with youth:

Listen
You wanna know how I'm doing?
Don't ask.

Seriously.
Don't ask if you're not ready to listen.
Don't say, "How you doin'?"
I'll just say, "Fine."
It's the answer I'm trained to give
––whether it's true or not.
A shallow answer
to a shallow question.
Most people don't really wanna know;
they assume I know they're just being polite.
I don't think that's polite at all.
Short questions get short answers.
You wanna know how I'm doing?
Ask what I've been up to;
what I'm working on;
what's up with my family.

If you're asking me (and I sensed you were),
most of the best questions don't have question marks:
"Tell me about your sister."
"I'd like to hear about your job."
"Tell me how you felt."
"Tell me what you mean."
"I'd like to know more about that."

You wanna know how I feel when
You ask questions that way?
I feel included.
I feel cared for.
I feel like I belong.

Please…
if you already know the answer,
it's not really a question, is it…
––it's a test.
Please don't do that to me.
(I hate tests.)

Don't make me look foolish.
Don't trick me.
Don't use me to
make a point.
If you're serious,
ask what I think,
ask how I feel,
ask an honest question,
and wait for my honest answer.

Learn from silence.
If I don't answer right away
––if the silence goes on too long—
ask what that means.
Maybe I'm embarrassed.
Maybe I didn't understand the question.
(Maybe you weren't clear.)
Maybe I'm thinking (and wouldn't that be nice).

You wanna know how I'm doing?
Sometimes I'm sad
because life is confusing
and painful,
and we both know
there's nothing you can do to fix that.
It's okay. I'll be fine…truly.

That doesn’t mean I don't want you to check.
Give me a chance to tell you when I'm fine,
and maybe I'll tell you when I'm not.

Don't take my first response
at face value.
Listen with your eyes:
Do I look like I'm doing all right?
Listen with your heart: Do you believe my answer?

With the very best motives
––sometimes with the worst––
I'm capable of every kind of deceit.
Just like you.
Don't ask me to do what you won't.
If you wanna know my story,
tell me yours.
Let me know I'm safe––
let me know you're not perfect either.

When I believe that,
I'll talk your ear off.

Taken from How to Volunteer Like a Pro by Jim Hancock. Copyright © 2009 by Jim Hancock. Used by permission of Zondervan, www.zondervan.com.

Ian Eastman, M.A., is a community educator with Family Services of Warren County—a charitable agency that provides counseling, substance abuse services, and support groups. This Healthy Advice column originally appeared in the February 26, 2010 edition of the Times Observer in Warren, PA.

Kilnfolk Komputer Kwoteables for 2-28-10

Fuller Youth Institute on images of unattainable beauty. Follow the link to the Newsweek feature—it would be funny if it didn't illustrate how widespread the practice is.

I really meant it when I said I was finished with school when I completed my M.A. in Spiritual Formation. But this certificate program at Princeton Theological Seminary really has me intrigued. Plus Shane Claiborne and Kenda Creasy Dean are speaking at this year's forum. Tempting…

Here in Western NY/Northwestern PA the winter blues seem to have everyone down. My coworker Larry says to get plenty of light in this article from the Warren Times Observer.

My new anger management program got profiled in the Times Observer, too.

SLYM News 2-23-10

It's SLYM for middle school (grades 5-8) this Thursday (2/25) from 6:30 pm - 8:30 pm at the Gustavus Adolphus Learning Center, 200 Gustavus Ave.

You can use the gym or hang out playing board games during the first hour. We'll do a Bible study about about a time Jesus crossed borders to minister to a woman in need during the second hour.

Bring a friend--and make some new ones--this week at SLYM!

Also--SLYM is raising funds for ELCA Disaster Relief and serving our local community this Friday, 2/26 from 6 pm - 9:30 pm. This activity is for both the middle school and high school groups.

At 6 pm, we'll meet at Community Helping Hands for a service project. Then we'll walk to Joint Neighborhood Project for our second service project. Finally, we'll walk to First Lutheran to learn about ELCA Disaster Relief and eat a simple porridge meal together in allegiance with the many Haitian citizens that are displaced and living in tent towns.

We ask that each participant collect at least $10 in donations for ELCA Disaster Relief Services. It's important that we have a head count of everyone who is going to participate, so we can plan the best service projects possible, so call Tara Eastman at 969-3950 if you plan on coming!

Next week, High School SLYM is Thursday, March 4. In "No Greater Love" we'll learn about how to help people with God's love.

There are many opportunities to grow spiritually, have fun, and share the love of Jesus this week. Hope to see you at SLYM!

Peace,

IAN

How to Volunteer Like a Pro

"Amateurs do what they do because they love it," writes Jim Hancock in his book How to Volunteer Like a Pro: An Amateur's Guide for Working with Teenagers. "Amateurs are responsible for Wikepedia, Linux, and Firefox; amateurs conduct search-and-rescue operations and knock down structural fires in small towns; Olympic-class athletes—most of them—are amateurs. That's the sense in which I think of volunteer youth workers as amateurs, and in that sense the title 'amateur youth worker' is in no way second-class."

A rural region like ours really owes a debt of gratitude to the many volunteers who benefit youth with their time and expertise. Often they have to learn as they go and training opportunities aren't always plentiful. A great place to start expanding their knowledge base is this book. Jim Hancock, its author, benefits the reader with anecdotes from his two decades experience in youth ministry. His writing is accessible and to-the-point.

From relating to kids and families, to organizing events, to emergency situations like hospital visits and bereavement, How to Volunteer Like a Pro is a concise guide to a number of topics. I recommend this resource for youth workers and Sunday school volunteers. I know I will be getting it in the hands of my volunteers!

Ian Eastman, M.A., is a community educator with Family Services of Warren County—a charitable agency that provides counseling, substance abuse services, and support groups. This Healthy Advice column originally ran in the February 19, 2010, edition of the Times Observer in Warren, PA.

Movie night with the family

I love Family Video. Out of all the chains it seems the most like an 80s video store. Billy Jack, Heartbeeps & Superman 3. I feel at home.

Anger Management Group

My new anger management group got profiled in the paper today! http://ping.fm/HuNFd